What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 13:29
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Have you ever gone to a porn theater with your wife?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So, i spoilt her more .
We were not on the streets..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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All the time i was locked up.
I was very sick at this time too.
Im still living with it.
What should you answer when someone says to you in French, "au plaisir de vous revoir"?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I have no regrets .
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We all went to grammer schools
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He resisted the act ,that day.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She loved him until the end.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She found it foreign!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Comes on , in middle age.
My life is so biszare .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And i lived it daily.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was 9 years of age.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
This is soul school!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Why did i forgive my father ?
When she asked me how she looked .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was seconnd youngest,
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But it wasn’t much.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I think the readers, may guess!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
It was going to be , some day.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I will be 64.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He knew the spot.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She married twice! .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Would this be the day?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was scared of men, in general
So whats the point in blame.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I said to her
I never cut or harmed myself..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Ive learnt so much.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I write beautiful poetry .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One cannot live in the past .
I don,t even have a pension.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
What did i know ?
Put me off passion for life!!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Who then, do I blame.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was in good health!
But, we were locked up after school.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She wouldn,t have been !
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My family never makes their pension either.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I waited trembling.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .